The Pastor's Wife

Yesterday, I read The Pastor's Wife by Diane Fanning (St. Martin's Press, 2008). In one day, I read cover to cover about the murder of Matthew Winkler, pastor of Fourth Street Church of Christ in Selmer, Tennessee. Today, I can't get his wife Mary out of my head.


Seems Matthew and Mary possessed all the external appearances of a great relationship. Most acquaintances thought the Winklers were great people with a great marriage. A handful of friends thought Matthew might be a little overbearing. One or two now claim they suspected abuse. No one imagined that the quiet, shy pastor's wife would grab a shotgun and blow her husband away.

I read the book looking for answers. What would drive a respected, well liked woman with no criminal background to commit such an act?

An abusive home life growing up? Her father was a dominant figure in her childhood home. So what else was new in most Tennessee homes of the 1970s?

A trauma ? Post traumatic stress disorder was the diagnosis of Dr. Lynne Zager. Unresolved childhood grief over her sister's death compounded by several stressful moves, the more recent death of her mother, a domineering father in her childhood, and a domineering husband in her adulthood all caused Mary to snap.


Well, okay, I guess. I mean most of us have experienced significant losses and stressors. But is this the cause of murder?

What about the the doctrines of the Church of Christ? Fanning asserts that in that denomination, the husband's headship is emphasized and wives are expected to be obedient. In addition, divorce is not an option unless adultery has been committed.

But if Church of Christ theology creates murderers, then why aren't the prisons filled with wives from this denomination? Besides, doesn't this church also prohibit murder? I mean, why stick to the "I can't get a divorce" rule but completely ignore the "I can't shoot my husband in the back" principle?

Then, of course, there is the suspicion of spousal abuse. The abuse alleged in court, while not healthy, was certainly not enough to warrant lethal self defense. There was shouting and verbal degradation. There may have been some pressure for unwanted sexual experimentation. There were allegations of excessive discipline of the children. Inexcusable, all of it, if true. But I've heard much worse from tearful friends in my own living room. Some of my friends eventually needed outside help to get away from their abusers. None picked up a shot gun.

Mary Winkler, herself, stated that she wasn't afraid of Matthew at the time of the killing. He was in bed. She shot him in the back.

So, I didn't find any obvious answers to the question, "Why?"

Throughout the book, family members, parishioners, and friends talked about what good people the Winklers seemed to be. Good works abounded. Counseling. Preaching. Rule following. Ministering. Visiting the sick and elderly. Obeying. Parenting. Touching lives. But in all the quotes author Diane Fanning recorded, there is no single reference to Matthew or Mary Winkler's personal relationship with God.

They appeared to be good people. They did religious stuff. But in quiet moments of their lives, what went on with God? We may never know.

To grow with God, to praise God, to glorify God, to go hard after the Creator -- this is the purpose of our lives.

Grammar teachers reading this want me to correct that last sentence. It should read "these are the purposes of our lives." But in this case correct grammar blurs spiritual truth. These things -- growing, praising, glorifying, striving --are all connected. They are the same purpose. They all share the same root: relationship with God.

We are needy, needy people. We need to Get Real! with our faith. God must be the focus and the purpose behind everything we do and every relationship we build.

Religious activities are easily confused with divine relationship. But all of our activities, whether religious or secular in nature, need to spring up from a well of living water found only through connecting with our Creator. For the heart that pursues God every day, every activity is sacred.

I was reminded of this just the other day by a landscaper I know. Every day he mows lawns for the glory of the one who created the grass!

During the trial of Mary Winkler, Dr. Zager pointed out that Matthew Winkler followed a typical abusive pattern by isolating his wife from her family and other possible supporters. I appreciated Diane Fanning's comments in the book's afterward. She urged church members to be aware that ministers' wives are particularly vulnerable to isolation and need to be provided with opportunities to network with others who understand their unusual lifestyle.

Amen to that! In addition, let me challenge all women, clergy wives included, to be cautious about keeping family secrets. All of us need to find someone with whom we can Get Real! about our marriages and get guidance about the inevitable struggles we face. Far better to get counseling than to grab a weapon!

Thanks for staying with me to the end of an unusually long post. As you can see, this book sparked much thought for me. Check back soon for my next post: Michael Jackson -- A Great American Tragedy.

Gettin' Real!

Melodie

(To learn more about staying connected to God, I recommend Bruce Wilkinson's helpful little book Secrets of the Vine, Multnomah Books, 2006.)